January 30, 2006

Peas in a Pod

It’s not easy looking like a celebrity. I have one of those faces that always remind people of someone else. I get stopped at least once a week by a stranger frantic to tell me who I look like. I stop to talk because after all, I couldn’t disappoint a fan. The conversations usually go something like this:

Crazed Fan (CF): “Hey, do you know who you look like?!?! That girl from Fried Green Tomatoes! You know, the one that died. What’s her name?”

Me: “Mary Louise Parker.”

CF: “Is that her name? Hmm. Oh! Or that girl from Boys on the Side! You know, the one that dies? No, wait, is that the same actress? What IS her name??”

Me: “Mary Louise Parker.”

CF: “Yes! Mary Louise Parker! You look EXACTLY like her!”

CF’s Friend: “No, you know who she looks EXACTLY like? That girl from Princess Diaries! What’s her name?

Me: “Anne Hathaway.”

CF: “Oh, yeah! Anne Hathaway! You look EXACTLY like her!”

I say thank you and that I’m flattered, and I guess in some ways I am. At least these aren't Rosie O'Donnells I'm being compared to. The thing is, it's never kinda/sorta, I'm always told I look EXACTLY like someone else. In my dating years, guys said that stuff all the time. Now, everyone knows any guy you meet in a club is full of s-h-i-t, but I still wonder… how many celebrities can one person look EXACTLY like? Does everyone fool me with flattery or do I have a special chameleon gift? Did we go skinny dipping in the same gene pool or do we all just have brown hair? Anyway, I'm starting to consider a job as a professional body double. So just for fun, let's see which starlet I could "be"...

Oh, if only I could be Sarah McLachlan. American Idol would never knew what hit it! Fortunately, the guy who told me I looked like her never got to hear my singing. Why spoil the illusion?

This princess seems a little high maintanence. Even though she's starring in the biggest gay cowboy film EVER, I'm not dying to hob-nob with this drama queen. That is, unless she were in another film with Heath & Jake. Mmmm... brokeback ranchers...

This is the only picture of Alanis I think looks even a little like me. She's amazing live and I dig Canadians, but I don't think I'd fool anyone sober.

I can't remember who called me Winona - some guy in a bar somewhere. He didn't get far.

When my roomie's cousin told me I looked like Ashley Judd, I swooned. It got scary when he would only call me Ashley, and when he would call just so he could call me Ashley, and when I realized he probably didn't even know my real name. It kind of turned me off, but I still think she's cute.

I don't know something (or anything) about Mary, other than she is always playing a dying lesbian. I could stand in for that role.

Yes, the Virgin Mary. A man once gazed into my eyes and told me I resembled the Blessed Virgin. Apparently he didn't know I was a dying lesbian. Sure fooled him!

So, I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I know at least one person has been told they look like Britney Spears. Anyone else?

January 22, 2006

Under Where?

We’re about to delve into some sensitive subject matter… Underpants.

I could say: “Check your fantasies at the door,” but I’m no bouncer. Besides, isn’t the fantasy what makes blogs so awesome? So I'll simply say this: Read at your own risk.

Yesterday I had a client that made me wonder... is she dressing up for me, or does she wear this stuff all the time? I was almost embarrassed to see the back of her black silk, lace up thong. Her selection seemed more suitable for a party dress then for a massage. And no, I didn’t check the label, but Frederick would have approved. (Whoa, did I just put a link to Frederick’s of Hollywood on my blog? I sure did.) To be honest, I was pretty annoyed; the ribbons kept getting in the way.

On that note, I've seen some interesting choices (I’ll spare you the scary ones). When men wear puppy and kitty boxers, I tell myself the girlfriend bought them. I want to cry for the old women in tight-as-hell “shapewear.” They must be suffocating–no wonder they tell me they’re constipated! Finally, once I had to bite my tongue when a fellow therapist complained about her client's “knee length white cotton/spandex biking shorts” (yes, all you Mormons, that IS what she was talking about).

I'd estimate that about 30-40% of my clients wear underwear for their massage. They’re always draped, so I don’t see anything I don’t want to (and believe me, I don't want to). As a side note, most veterans go commando, which is actually a lot easier, although I don’t have much of a preference.

Lucky for me, people generally don’t like to show off their nasties. I rarely see the laundry day granny panties. And if the undies are crappy (I hope not literally), they probably end up stored in the locker or shoved into a pocket. That’s fine with me. At least I haven’t seen these yet.

January 15, 2006

If I Could Save Time In A Bottle

I have big plans for myself. Sometimes I wonder if they’re too big. See, I haven’t made much progress on the plans I made years ago, and my excuse is pretty awful… Here it is, World:

I don’t have time.

It makes me feel lame. Sheepish. Embarrassed. Pathetic. It’s a horrible excuse, but life gets crazy. We all know how it is. I hate time. But since lists help me manage my time, here is list of things I can’t manage to find the time for:

  1. Check my email and blog daily. People besides my husband actually do that, right?

  1. “The Website.” I have an idea for my very own dotcom. I’d rather not give details, not that I don’t trust you, but... well, okay, I really don’t. Suffice it to say that if I have my way, I will someday be the Willy Wonka of Published Wonders.

  1. Open my own spa. I’m 3 years into my 5 year plan, so expect it soon.

  1. Get a potter’s wheel and throw pots in my basement. I want to make beautiful art, and Marc wants to re-enact Ghost. Hey, whatever gets me the wheel.

  1. Run another marathon THIS year. I’ve had a sufficient break from running my first and only marathon 4 years ago. I won’t let you down, TFB!!

  1. Write a book or two… or three? First, “How to Receive the Ultimate Spa Experience”-full of massage do’s and don’ts (many of which I plan to include in my blog), along with interviews with “the pros” and personal anecdotes. Second, my autobiography. I’ve experienced some crazy stuff, and even if no one reads it, it will be interesting to re-live. I’ll probably have it published after I die anyway. Or write it under a pen name. Or maybe I’ll just squeeze it onto a postcard.

  1. Go to college and study business or marketing… or writing? Heck, why not all three?

  1. My own NPO. Someday I’ll create a non-profit organization geared towards bringing under-privileged kids and their overworked parents closer through art, music and massage; all activities parents and kids can do together far, far away from the TV. The jam sessions will have to be in a room far from the infant massage class, and things will get messy pottery and painting room, but it will be beautiful. Incredibly time consuming? You betcha. Lobbying local corporations and their mothers for donations and free materials on top of running a center? May have to wait for retirement.

So there they are. My major goals. Wish me luck and lots and lots of time.

January 1, 2006

Race to the Finish

What do you call someone who spends the last few days of the year struggling to finish the Book of Mormon?
A suicide B.O.M.-er