March 13, 2006

The Deal Breaker

I see a lot of naked bodies every day. I’m pretty tolerant of bodily functions of all kinds, so few things make me shudder. However, there is one that always sends tremors down my spine, and that is my biggest and grossest pet peeve: to come upon clammy feet and hands. I’m sorry for any of you that suffer from the inability to control or absorb the massive amounts of sweat flowing from your icy, soggy hands and feet (hereafter referred to as Clammy Hand and Foot Syndrome or "CHAFS"). I don’t hate you, I just hate how it feels. The experience of sliding around in someone else’s sweat is something I won’t go into detail about, even though I'm tempted to. While massaging my latest CHAFS inflicted client today, I thought seriously about going into explicit detail about how much I suffer.

Now it could’ve been fate, her über-Italian last name, or my keen ability to find irony, but for some reason as I began massaging this woman's feet, my thoughts wandered to a blog I recently read. This post about Italian-American culture made me think: “Hey, Italian-Americans sound pretty cool. I like to eat, I love my family, I’m not against chasing my husband around with a broom (was that one of the qualities?), and I don’t actually have to be in the mafia and get people whacked?! What a deal!”

Then sweaty feet suddenly brought me back to reality. "Eww," I thought, "I better dry girlfriend's feet off with this sheet for the third time. I wonder if she knows..."

“Sorry!” she suddenly interrupted, “I’m Italian, so when I’m hot my feet get sweaty.”

Hey, hold it there for one second, signora! Did you just say that sweaty feet are the side effect of a totally sweet Italian-American lifestyle? If so man, this deal is OFF. There’s no way I’m getting slammed with CHAFS.


verniciousknids said...

I don't usually suffer from CHAFS but for some weird reason my extremities started to feel all cold and clammy while reading your erudite post...must go and sponge off now

Loved your pics :)

Marc said...

Hmmm... I've never heard of the Italian-Clammy-Feet/Hands connection so I'm suspicious. But if it keeps me from getting beat with a broom, I'm all for promoting it.

Sue Ellen Mischke said...

HOLY SHIT. I can't believe it took me THIS LONG to make it to this post to DEFEND MY PEOPLE. I haven't checked my Sopranos post in a while, so I just saw your comment. Anyway...

This bitch has to be stopped. Her Italian-ness can be an excuse for a lot of things (hairy upper lip or arms, insatiable sex drive, excessive consumption of red wine or pasta), but by no means is it an excuse for her clammy hands and/or feet.

(ps: thanks for creating the link to my page!)

Marc said...

1) An impassioned defense that makes one futher doubt the CHAFS-Italian connection.

2) You really ought to change you blogger settings to notify you by email when people comment on your blog.

melbo said...

Tara, your response makes me feel a little better. Most of those side effects you listed I already have from my German blood (excessive arm/face hair and consumption of cheese and bratwurst are close enough, right?), so I still say we have a lot in common.

(ps-you're most welcome, thank you for the inspiration!)